


i miss you this much

by spirithouse



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-12 01:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12948735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spirithouse/pseuds/spirithouse
Summary: He did not think about Junhui at all.





	i miss you this much

 

 

“Have you bought your plane ticket yet?” Minghao’s phone was down to its last battery, the back of it hot, and the video call threatening to disconnect. Junhui’s handsome face still filled up the screen clearly, and Minghao saw perfectly the slight frown appearing on him. Minghao continued to rummage around his room for the charger, and ignored the heavy sigh emitting from his phone.

 

“No, not yet,” Junhui answered. He had his phone propped against something---his pillow, or maybe the Ox plush doll Minghao had sent for his birthday---and his blankets pulled up to his chin. He wore exhaustion painted on his face and Minghao knew it was late where Junhui was. Their phone calls and video chats were always late at night because Junhui put in long hours at his internship, and when Minghao wasn’t in class, he was at his own job. But they made it work. Minghao tried to make it work.

 

Minghao found his charger underneath an old textbook he forgot to return. His phone stood at an uncertain 10%. “The price’s are gonna get higher if you wait any longer,” Minghao said, wanting to add that he told Junhui to buy them before the start of summer, because everyone was going to try to come home for the winter holidays.

 

Instead he held his tongue while Junhui said, “I know. You’re not paying for it anyway, so what does it matter?”   

 

Ten seconds of silence filtered through and Junhui cursed slightly, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I---sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m so sorry,” he said, and Minghao wanted the sadness boiling low to be anger instead. Being sad took more energy.

 

“Yeah.” He turned his phone away so Junhui couldn’t see his face, even though he wasn’t frowning or crying. Just staring at his bedroom ceiling and the dumb glow-in-the-dark star stickers still stuck up there.

 

“I’m sorry, baby.”

 

“You’re still coming here, right?” Minghao asked, telling his heart to calm down, to not quicken just yet.

 

Junhui’s answer was quick enough that Minghao shouldn’t doubt it, but something ill still washed over him, made him not want to speak anymore. “Yeah, course. Why wouldn’t I?”

 

“Just asking.” Minghao finally turned his phone around, and hoped his face didn’t look down enough for Junhui to question it. “I should probably let you sleep now.”

 

The illness gathered inside Minghao’s chest and he feared he might start crying if he didn’t disconnect soon enough. Junhui smiled, phone screen brightening up his eyes, and Minghao loved him so much even though lately it hurt. It had been hurting for a few months now.

 

“I love you,” Junhui said. Minghao nodded, muttered, _I love you, too, talk to you later_ and ended the video before the ugly sob leaked out.

 

In the morning, Jun would text him a dozen emojis and a message Minghao would read, but not reply to.

 

 **Sailor Juniper  
** **[Wed, Nov 2, 10:00 AM]  
** _I love and adore u sosososo much. I hope u slept well_  
_promise i’ll be home & we’ll get to spend christmas together so pls wait just a lil longer_  
_I lovelovelove u, Meow._  
_Hope i get to hear yr voice later today :3_

 

He didn’t.

 

☁

Minghao knew Wen Junhui since the 4th grade, when he was transferred to his elementary school because Minghao’s old one bullied him too much (both by the students and the teachers). Junhui was in the grade above him, but they befriended on the playground, and then later they found out Junhui lived up the street from Minghao.

 

Their parents were happy to befriend and bond with each other, neither one no longer the only Chinese family on the block. But Junhui’s family, and just the boy himself, always seemed to contrast so much with Minghao: Junhui and his parents went to China every summer to visit extended family members, whereas Minghao only had his mom and grandma, a missing dad, and an aunt who lived somewhere in Canada. He’d never been overseas before. Junhui came from money, and while he never flaunted it, sometimes his mannerisms and the small comments his parents made Minghao feel small. Junhui was popular and did all the typical extra-curriculums and volunteer work. Minghao liked dancing, but lessons were expensive. While the school kids and teachers were much more kinder to him than his old ones, he could tell they still dubbed him as _the weird one, the quiet one_.

 

And despite all of that, Junhui and Minghao were inseparable. They were best friends and attached at the hip, even when middle and high school brought abrupt changes.

 

Like Minghao being lovesick for his friend, and the only reason he didn’t cry about it for long was because Junhui was lovesick for him, too.

 

At 17 and 18 they kissed and it was all over from there.

 

They ended up at the same university, and once Junhui graduated, they started saving up for their own little place, so they could move in together once Minghao was done with his schooling. It was fine. Junhui applied for some internships. Everything was okay.

 

Junhui was accepted into his first choice intern program. Minghao was ecstatic, honestly.

 

The program was across the country and would last a year, but Minghao was still happy for Junhui.

 

☁

Growing up, Christmas wasn’t a major deal for Minghao’s family. But Minghao loved the decorations, and every year he and his family spent time decorating their scrawny tree that was barely 4 feet tall. It still look kind of silly and crooked, but Minghao loved it. His mom and grandma couldn’t always get him a lot of presents, but there was always at least one gift. And they were always home for Christmas.  

 

After spending time at home, they’d go to the Wen household. Junhui would still be in his church clothes while his mom or dad (depending on who had a business trip that year and was absent) would take photographs of him in front their tree. Sometimes the top of the tree or Junhui’s knees would be cut off from the photo just so everything could fit. Minghao would be pulled into one of those photos, and each time his heart sped up a tempo as Junhui hugged him close to his side.

 

Now there was two weeks until Christmas and Minghao had the week of it marked on his calendar app as _Jun Is Home <3 _.  

 

“So, when exactly is he getting here?”

 

Wonwoo lounged on Minghao’s bed, scrolling through his phone. Minghao was cleaning his desk off, trying to ignore his laptop that showed his and Junhui’s chatroom. It said Junhui was online. He still hadn’t replied back to Minghao’s earlier messages. ( _So . . . what time is your flight coming in??? I can pick you up c:)_

 

Minghao thought about making up a time, then felt startled that he wanted to lie. “Uh, I don’t know. He hasn’t said.”

 

“But he’s coming, right?”

 

Minghao’s reply came out tight, short. “Yes, Wonwoo. He is.”

 

When Wonwoo dropped his phone beside him and sat up, Minghao tried to cover up his bluntness with a laugh. “Sorry. Been kind of stressed.”

 

“It’s okay,” Wonwoo said, coming up behind him to place his arm around Minghao’s shoulder. “Stressed about Jun?”

 

“Kind of. Yeah.” The green dot next to Junhui’s name finally turned grey, read _offline_. “Sorry, I don’t really wanna talk about it right now.”

 

“That’s fine. I’m all ears whenever you do.” He squeezed Minghao’s shoulder and a calm breath came forth from Minghao. Wonwoo was a good listener, seemed to always know the right things or advice to say, but Minghao wasn’t ready to talk. There were ugly things and insecurities he wasn’t ready to bring up, although Wonwoo already knew some of them.

 

“For now,” Wonwoo continued, motioning for Minghao to stand up. “I know something that might cheer you up just a little.”

 

“How about---”

 

“My holiday cookies!”

 

“-- _no_ , you always burn them!”

 

“They’re not burnt, they’re supposed to be that color.”  

 

Minghao fumed, immediately dropping his body to the ground. It didn’t stop Wonwoo from dragging him into the kitchen and pulling out the needed ingredients for the cookies.

 

Complaints aside, the simple task of helping Wonwoo create burnt holiday cookies made Minghao’s heart a little lighter. Made him forget his disappointment and Junhui’s silence.

  


☁

It was a week and a half until Christmas, and Minghao’s grandma had asked for the nth time, “Is Junhui coming?”

 

At midnight, Minghao was ready to send a message--- _Can we talk ??_ \---when an incoming call from Junhui flashed on his phone.

 

The dread looming over shocked him, almost made him reject the call despite needing to talk to Junhui. Minghao crawled into bed and answered the call. “. . . Yeah?”

 

“Hi, darling.” Not too long ago, Junhui’s voice always perked up Minghao’s mood, the tone of it comforting. Minghao wanted that serenity back instead of the terrible sense that Junhui was going to say something he would hate.

 

“Sorry I haven’t called lately,” Junhui said, not bothering to add _I’ve been busy with work_. “Are you free right now? Did I wake you up?”

 

“No, I’ve been up. I was about to message you.”

 

“Okay.” Minghao wrapped himself up in his blankets, despite how overheated and stuffy his room was. “I love you.”

 

Too, too quietly Minghao replied, “I love you, too.”

 

He remembered how terrifying he felt the first time they said _I love you_ to each other. Minghao couldn’t imagine loving anyone but Junhui; couldn’t fathom what it’d be like to not have Junhui love him back. Ever since Junhui went across the country, as the distance between them became harder and longer, it brought horrid emotions and thoughts. Made him question things.

 

“You’re really quiet,” Junhui said, and Minghao shut his eyes and tried not to end the call.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” he confessed. He didn’t know if he actually didn’t, or if he didn’t want to say anything.  There was rustling on Junhui’s end and the sound of him typing on a keyboard.

 

The noises stopped, and then Junhui said, “I feel like you probably know what I’m about to say.”

 

“Maybe.” Minghao shoved his head underneath his pillow, sweaty bangs now clinging to his forehead.

 

The silence that stretched on felt as long as the 2,000 miles between them. “I can’t . . . I won’t be able to come home. I won’t be there for Christmas.”

 

“--Of _course,_ you can’t.” It came out rougher and harsher than Minghao expected it to. The grip he held on his phone tightened and his breathing deepened. “Why did I expect anything different from you?”

 

“I’m sorry, work---”

 

“Just--don’t call me, don’t message me. I--I don’t wanna talk to you right now, or ever, I don’t know anymore.” Minghao hung up before Junhui could get another word in, turned his phone off, and then tossed it aside. He was too tired to be angry, but he could lay there wrapped up in his sheets and patheticness and just cry.

 

☁

Wonwoo made another batch of cookies for Minghao. They were less burnt than usual, enough that Minghao could comfortably bite them.

 

“I’ll be at my cousin’s house, but call me if you need anything, or just need to talk,” Wonwoo had said when he dropped the cookies off. Minghao hugged him, grateful for having a friend like him.

 

Minghao hadn’t spoken to Junhui since their last terrible phone call. But it was okay. It wasn’t any different from the other times they’d go weeks without contact. Except, this time, Junhui kept calling and messaging, and Minghao kept ignoring.

 

Christmas was fine.  Minghao, his mom, and grandma went out to eat and then Minghao gave them their presents. They both cried and cooed over him, said he didn’t need to spend so much on them. They hugged him extra tight and didn’t ask about Junhui, knowing Minghao wouldn’t be able to answer without crying.

 

His mom didn’t pressure him to go with her to the Wen household, Junhui’s parents having sent them an invitation to a Christmas party they were hosting. Minghao told her to go, that he’d be fine, and she sighed, kissed both his cheeks, and said she’d be back soon.

 

Christmas was fine. Minghao was fine. He wasn’t in the mood to watch a film on his laptop or play any games or look into more job postings. So he lay in bed, slowly munching on a burnt cookie, and ignored how much he wanted to sink into the ground and not come up.

 

He did not think about Junhui at all.

 

☁

At 7AM Minghao woke up choking, his eyes blurry, and he called Junhui.

 

It rang once and then Junhui’s voice filled his ear, fully awake, shocked and relieved. “Darling?”

 

Minghao wiped his nose on his bedsheet, tried to calm his shaky breathing before speaking. “I thought it’d be fine.”

 

There was other people talking in the background and random noises like beeping or wheels rolling. Minghao didn’t care enough to ask where Junhui was. “Thought what would be fine?” Junhui asked.

 

“When you moved for your internship. I thought it’d be fine ‘cause it’s just a year, 12 months, I thought I could do that. And then later on you said it changed to be a little over a year, and I still thought it’d be okay ‘cause there’s people who have to be apart for more than that, and sometimes they have to do it while being countries apart.” His tongue was too dry for his mouth and made all his words sound slightly muffled, but Junhui listened quietly. Hot tears rolled down Minghao’s chin.

 

“But I’m such a crybaby,” he laughed, hiccuping. “It was fine at first but then we’d go so _long_ without talking, like this past summer? I was super busy too, but I thought we’d talk at least more than three or five times the entire time. And we didn’t always need to have long conversations, I just wanted you to acknowledge me, even if it was a one line text or something, anything. And I don’t know, I tried telling you I wish we could talk more but then sometimes you’d get so . . . mean about it? And then whenever we both had time to video call or whatever, sometimes I’d still feel sour and I didn’t want to anymore and it really sucked.”

 

His mouth was getting tired, and his body was ready to pass out again from exhaustion, but Minghao had to keep going. He’d been wanting to say this for months.

 

“I know I have my friends, but sometimes it’s just you I need to talk to. But you’re never there and I’m not happy and I wish you were here. I was okay with you missing my graduation. It wasn’t too much of a big deal that you couldn’t be here for my birthday or even yours. But I wanted you to at least be here this week, you said you’d try to come home at least once, and I . . .”

 

The tears came out faster, dampening his shirt, wetting his phone screen, and Minghao wanted Junhui so badly.

 

“I miss you so much..”

 

It was finally out there, only a small part of everything Minghao kept locked up when Junhui left, but he finally did it. His head and eyes throbbed and now all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. He either hung up on Junhui or promptly passed out, he didn’t know. When morning came, his phone was dead, and when he managed to get it charged enough for it to turn on, he had one message from Junhui.

 

 **Sailor Juniper  
** [Tues, Dec 26, 7:45 AM]  
_I love u so much and im soso sorry  
_ _please wait a little longer for me_

  


☁

At 3PM someone knocked on the door and rang the doorbell twice. Minghao was in the kitchen and put aside the tea he’d made for his grandma. “I got it,” he called, not thinking too much about who was at the door, and assuming a delivery person had dropped off a package.

 

He and his heart were not expecting to see Junhui standing there.

 

“Oh.” He took a step back, throat swelling up with a tired sob.

 

Minghao had seen Junhui’s face through his phone and laptop over the past year, but it wasn’t the same as seeing him physically.

 

Junhui being there was a wish come true and Minghao wasn’t ready for it.

 

Junhui tilted his head like he was going in for a kiss, but then stopped himself and smiled instead. “Hi.”

 

Minghao nodded and let him inside. “Wait for me in my room.”

 

Junhui went without a word, and Minghao went back to the kitchen. After delivering the tea to his grandma, he told her he was going to take a short nap, and then went to his room. His feet dragged and there was too much hesitation, but he pushed on, forced himself into his room, and closed the door. Just like old times, Junhui’s coat and scarf was thrown haphazardly in a corner. He sat cross-legged on Minghao’s bed, fiddling with the corner of his pillow. Minghao stood in front of him.

 

“You’re here.” It was weird. Minghao was used to asking _will you be here?_

 

He hated how much Junhui’s airy laugh made his chest shake. “I would’ve been here earlier, but I wasn’t the only one taking a plane last minute,” Junhui said, looking unblinkingly up at Minghao. He was so beautiful, and he was right there, and Minghao couldn’t identify the emotion making him sick and lightheaded.

 

“I’m still upset.”

 

“I know.”

 

Minghao swallowed dryly and forced himself not to cry. “Just because you showed up today doesn’t make everything better.”

 

“I, yeah, I know it doesn’t. I understand.”

 

“We really need to work on stuff, work things out.”

 

“We do. We will.”

 

He could’ve told Junhui to get out. He could’ve went on about how angry and upset and hurt he was. Minghao was also very tired, he didn’t like crying a lot, and Junhui was there. He was a mess, a ugly crier, and right now he just wanted Junhui to hold him.

 

Maybe his vision was too blurry, but he thought Junhui was crying, too. “I’m sorry for everything and I missed you,” Junhui said, and he pulled Minghao onto his lap, clutching him tight. It felt better than wonderful, something beyond comforting, to be in Junhui’s arms, and for Minghao to wrap his own around him.

 

“I love you,” Minghao mumbled into his neck, because he did still love Junhui, and probably always would, no matter what. “So much.”

 

Somewhere between Junhui saying he loved Minghao back and kissing his head, Minghao felt a little peaceful, thinking, _it might be okay._

 

 

 

 


End file.
